I’ve always known I’d have a girl. Starting from an early age, I had a strong sense I would give birth to three girls. Nothing has changed since I got married. I felt I knew how to raise girls. Seemed like I got it all figured out.
Then I got pregnant and at my first scan, I was said the baby’s gender was 98% a boy. Shocker. My first reaction was panic. I had no idea what to do with boys. How do you raise them? What is your role as a mother?
These questions bugged me a lot. Just think about it, you need to raise a protector, a breadwinner, a loving father, and a spouse out of a small boy. In a word, a reliable man. The one who you feel safe with, who positively looks at life, stands firmly on his feet and can ensure the happiness of the loved ones.
Thinking about all this my panic just got worse.
But then the analytical nerd inside me took over and next thing I knew I was researching this question a lot, reading everything I could and now I would like to share my findings with you. After all, if you are a mother of a son still having no clue how to raise a real gentleman, I hope I can be of some help here.
So What Are Your Main Missions As A Mother Of A Son?
1. To ease the life of your future daughter-in-law
There. I said it. Just like that. Sitting in the first place. I already see how you’re reading this in “awe”. Asking yourself “why the heck should I think of a woman who will eventually take my boy away from me?”. And believe me, I am here with you. The hardest part of raising kids is to know you will have to let them go. So I bet this is the last thing every mom would think about.
But if you look at the situation from another angle, you’ll see that the stronger, more sophisticated and resilient your kid will grow up, the better it will be for his own family because he will be able to take responsibility, make wise choices, understand, support and respect his wife, build a strong foundation for his own family and include his parents, a.k.a. you and your husband, into his life.
It really goes a long way.
Actually, what you are doing with this mission is not only easing the life of your future daughter-in-law but also preserving and cultivating close relationships with your son where there is a place for love, honesty, connection, and gratitude. You are building up the core to be “the safest place” for your son even after he leaves the nest.
So how do you do that?
Your mission is to be a loving and inspiring muse. Both for your husband and your son(s). Confide the upbringing of your boy(s) to your husband while you encourage and guide him along the road.
Sounds like a piece of cake… but it’s not!
Yet, it’s worth trying and learning since all the problems you have with your son while you bring him up he will automatically transfer into his own family and apply them as a model in his own relationships with his wife.
If you don’t respect his privacy, he will impinge upon his wife’s private space.
If you strictly limit his freedom, he will rebel in his own relationships thinking that his wife is always trying to pursue her own agenda (even if she doesn’t).
If you chose your interests over him your daughter-in-law will have tough relationships with your son, since what she’ll get will be either a weak-willed person or a self-centered tyrant who was waiting to push his interests for the whole life.
So your role as a mother of a son is to be warm, loving, and understanding. Be happy and resilient, and send out these vibes to your family members.
2. To create the right projection of this World and pass the right message
Your son’s ability to perceive women and build strong and healthy relationships with them, for the most part,
For example, say, you are all strong and independent, you act as if you can do everything by yourself and are happy about it and feel no stress or exhaustion. You ask for no help. You take care of the house, the kids, you do the groceries, the cooking, the housekeeping while working full time and never complain…
Keep in mind that by acting as if you are a superwoman who needs no assistance with anything, your son will accept this model and will believe that it is completely normal for a woman to be a “working horse”.
She can do it all. By herself. Period.
So if or when his wife starts to ask for help or complain that he never gives her a hand, here’s where the argument will start. Because in your son’s universe women work their butts off and that seems to make them happy.
The keyword is “seems” here. Your son will not even have a single thought in his mind that it can be otherwise. That his wife may be a happy housewife. That she needs help with raising kids or with doing household chores.
If you are constantly saving money on your self-care, you never need anything and give the best to your husband and kids, this is exactly the way your son will behave towards his wife.
He will never think about buying her new shoes or pampering her with another perfume, nor will he give any flowers. I mean, why? If you never got one from your own husband? He didn’t see the right example in his family. He doesn’t know that the flowers, for instance, may be a cool thing to raise his wife’s mood and bring joy, especially if given without a special occasion. He simply can’t get this. Maybe because his mother wasn’t happy about the flowers, considered them a waste of money or haven’t ever asked for them (but was hoping to get them).
Yes, believe me, there are men who don’t give flowers! Even on special occasions. My husband is actually one of them. And I can with no doubt say the root is buried in the family: no example, no role model, no need (or pretention to have no need). I’m working on that one right now. Because, oh dear, how do I adore flowers!
Okay, back to the topic.
If you’re using physical force and psychological pressure as your major attributes of upbringing, be careful as you’re growing a tyrant. Hitting a woman would be a piece of cake for him as he becomes a man. After all, early on in his life, a woman was using her own power to beat him.
If you suppress all his emotions, meaning you don’t allow crying, showing anger or fear, you are setting up a catastrophe waiting to happen. What and when exactly it will happen no one could ever tell.
Maybe he will build up all his emotions, and then one day they will eventually break out. Or maybe he will continue to suppress them – and it will start to seriously hurt both mentally and physically. By suppressing his negative emotions, he suppresses everything at all – love, joy, and even the desire to live. He will feel nothing but numbness.
If you do the household chores all by yourself never asking for help from your husband or your son, he will be sure that the housework is easy to handle and can be done in no time, even with small children. He will neither clean the dishes after himself nor will he offer his wife to wash the floors.
If you flush all your emotions to him, watch out! He will not be able to endure the emotions of his wife, her tears, her problems. He won’t be able to give her his firm shoulder and let her feel safe and calm beside him. Neither will he desire to help her with any of her problems. This would be just too much for him to
If you tell him all the time that girls are after money, they are selfish and always ready to betray, what kind of respect for a woman can we talk about here? At least you are the main representative of the “woman” league you are so viciously talking about, so make yourself included. And don’t wait for him to show respect to you when he grows up.
If you dictate him how to live, demand complete submission, won’t you achieve that he breaks down and turns into a rag? In an ordinary willy boy, who is not able to bear responsibility for the family?
The energy that the mother gives to her son plays a crucial part in his upbringing. To be warm and loving you have to be calm and know how to deal with stress. To show a good example, you have to be mindful. To rase with care, you have to first of all care about yourself and have your “me-time”. Call it selfish but without this, a mom’s life is a stressful mess. Having some “me-time” and constantly caring about the needs of your body and soul, you are also fulfilling the last but not least mission:
3. To give him the right understanding of women
This is you who builds the image of the “ideal” woman for your son. He will choose his wife that is very similar to you. The one who has the appearance, character traits, behavioral patterns and the outlook like yours.
So think thoroughly what kind of a daughter-in-law would you like to have?
You only have about 10 years from the birth of your son to actually think about this, because this is the only time when you can truly make a difference. After your son turns 10 years old, you will just reap what you’ve sown in your child’s upbringing.
By giving your son the right understanding of what a real woman is like, you are also raising good masculine traits in your boy that will help him thrive when he becomes an adult.
So our mission as the mothers of sons is to give them an example of femininity, the relationships between men and women, and teach them to take care of a woman at the same time – not out of hand, but out of love. We have to show them how to take care, take responsibility, and protect.
How can you do that?
- Talk! Always. The more you talk and explain things without yelling, the more you communicate and spend time together, the more chances you have to grow a psychologically healthy and responsible man.
- Praise his diligence. Encourage all the surprises and gifts he gives you. Hang his masterpieces on the walls, show it off to others.
- Accept his help with enthusiasm. Don’t try to do all the things by yourself. I know it’s ten times faster if you wipe the floors by yourself but if your kid is eager to help, don’t refuse. Give him the age-appropriate tasks he can handle without your help and always show gratitude after he finishes his tasks.
- Hug! And kiss! As much and as often as you can while he still lets you. As soon as you feel the distance – hug with your heart. Hug with your eyes. With a word. Mentally.
- Believe in him. He doesn’t need your surveillance. He needs
your“I know you can do this!”. And your “I know you’re strong and you can handle it by yourself”. A boy truly feels a mother’s love when she trusts him and believes in him.
- Be beautiful both at home and outside. Apply your makeup, wear nice clothes and jewelry. Have your nails
done.Show him that you look after yourself. That you are the best version of yourself every single day. Take time for yourself to avoid burnout. You have to really take care of yourself, both physically and mentally to be a calm mom that can pass her wisdom to her kids.
This is also good to remember:
Your son is not actually yours. He doesn’t belong to you. Someday you will have to let him go. Into adulthood. Into his own family. The time will come sooner than you think. You’ll have to let go and free him from your control and advice he doesn’t actually need. He won’t be your boy any longer. He will grow into a wonderful man. Everything you could do you have already done by the age of 10.
We don’t have a whole lot of time for upbringing, to be honest. So every step and every word matters. And you will make mistakes, no doubt. We all do. What is more important is to build relationships based on trust. Accept him the way he is. Love unconditionally. And believe that he will fulfill all his potential as a man.
A man, a boy no matter the age – think of him as a vector. He constantly needs to keep going, achieve goals. That is a man’s nature. All you need is to give direction and be by his side.
The last part but not the easiest one is to always respect his father – your husband. Always! In everything he does. Help him to become the best example for his son. If you are a single mom, let this authority be your dad, granddad, uncle or your close friend. Any man that you trust and have good relations with can become a role model for your son.
Respect men in general, thus understanding and accepting your son’s nature would be much easier for you as a mother.